


Is This Okay?

by booksandtea15



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Sex, Insecurity, M/M, Not too much, Praise Kink, Self-Acceptance, Therapy, eventually, explores feelings about sex and the different ways in which people experiences intimacy basically, heavy-ish angst, hopefully
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-04-06 14:47:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14059257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksandtea15/pseuds/booksandtea15
Summary: Hyungwon knew he looked good in his clothes. 'In' being the keyword.





	1. It's Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Just something that came to me and begged me to write it, basically.

Hyungwon knew he projected a certain image. He knew that, when he dressed up, applied his eyeliner and smokey eyeshadow and wore that  _ tight _ pants that always made Changkyun raise his eyebrows and let out a wolf whistle, he looked like he was out to  _ get some _ . Which, well, that wasn’t necessarily wrong. 

Usually, when dressed like that, he really  _ was _ out to get some. 

But… there was a problem.

Hyungwon was… shy. He was so,  _ painfully _ shy. He always, mostly, managed to play it off as being aloof, cold, amused from afar. Unaffected by the people around him.

Of course, the few people who were attracted to a persona like that then had to compete with the fact that when words become action, when lingering eyes become lingering hands, Hyungwon became painfully,  _ excruciatingly _ shy. 

He knew he looked all tall and leggy and graceful in his clothes, knew his angles well enough, as a model, that he knew that he wasn’t anything to scoff at. That he looked, well, good. 

_ In _ clothes, at least.

Out of his clothes, standing in front of his mirror, he wanted to hide and fold himself into a little ball. He wasn’t ugly but he was… put together strangely. His limbs seemed too long, too pale, too… gangly. His ribs didn’t protrude nearly as much as they used to, didn’t make him look nearly as alien and  _ other _ , but he knew he wasn’t the… usual. Knew he looked a bit different. 

And, never mind how good he knew a lot of his other features looked, never mind how much he knew that he was by no means ugly, as soon as the hands become gripping and exploring, become insistent and tugging, Hyungwon… wilted. 

His hands would obediently lift his shirt, exposing himself, but then he… stilled, waiting for judgement. And, he knew that wasn’t how you were supposed to do it. That you were supposed to continue as usual, continue as if nothing had happened, as if the only thing on your mind was getting the other person’s clothes off and losing yourself in them, and, a lot of the time, that was all that was on Hyungwon’s head most of the time beforehand. 

He went out rarely enough that, every time, he managed to convince himself that,  _ this _ time, it was going to be different.  _ This _ time, he was going to be as aggressive throughout as he started, that he was, was going to be  _ normal _ . 

But, alas, each and every time, so far, he had frozen, in fear or self-consciousness or  _ both _ , waiting for judgement. 

Sometimes, rarely, his partner either seemed to realise what was going on, whispering praise into his ear, stroking his sides and telling him he was beautiful, enough times that Hyunwon’s brain believed him, enough times that he managed to unfreeze himself and get into the action again, or they did it unconsciously. 

But, that rarely happened. Coupled with the rarity of Hyungwon actually going out to try and get laid, to try his luck, he could count the number of times he’s  _ actually _ had sex on one hand. It didn’t even take all the fingers.

(Changkyun was the only one who knew, the only one who was close enough to know the amount of times Hyungwon had come home, shivering slightly and with tight eyes, arms clasped loosely around himself. He never said anything about it, never made a big deal about it, simply asked Hyungwon if he wanted to play a video game, or watch a movie, or cuddle. It was nice, in a weird, much too emotionally vulnerable way for Hyungwon.)

So, when Hyungwon stepped out of his room, dressed to the nines and hair artfully tousled, he wasn’t surprised to see Changkyun smirk at him, wiggling his eyebrows.

“What the  _ fuck _ are you wearing?”

Right. The new development. Or, as Hyungwon liked to refer to him, the Parasite.

Hyungwon rolled his eyes, simultaneously rolling his hips to the side as he turned to face Kihyun, seated at the kitchen table, cheeks slightly stuffed with the apple he was munching on.

“None of  _ your _ fucking business.” Hyungwon frowned, recognising the fruit in Kihyun’s hand. “Hey, what did I tell you about eating my apples? Changkyun,” he whined, turning towards a sheepish-looking Changkyun, “you said you’d stop him eating my apples.”

“Sorry, hyung,” Changkyun mumbled, glancing down and flushing a bit. “He just, he said he was hungry and…”

Hyungwon sighed, shaking his head slightly. God, this kid was  _ whipped _ . Kihyun, the bastard, was still just sitting at the table, smirking at him, staring Hyungwon straight in the eyes as he  _ bit into Hyungwon’s fucking apple _ .

“Right.” Hyungwon took a deep breath. “Right.” He didn’t have, he didn’t have the time for this shit. He had an essay due tomorrow, one he’d only written the first half of, and, and he had a test and, and he just really needed to  _ get fucking laid _ and he just. Didn’t have the time for this.

“I’m sorry. I’ll buy you some more! Kihyun’s sorry too.”

“Am not.”

“ _ Hyung _ .”

And, oh my god, was Hyungwon  _ so fucking tired _ of their, like, couple schtick. It was cute the first ten times, bearable the five times after that, but once it reached the thirty mark, Hyungwon was ready to hit both of them in the face to just make them shut up about how much they adored each other, even if it was hidden in barbed retorts and cutting wit. 

(Granted, those two were mostly Kihyun, but Hyungwon saw the goeey softness in his eyes when he said it and it made him want to barf.)

“Oh my  _ god,  _ would you two just  _ stop _ .” Hyungwon sighed, grabbing his keys and a jacket. “I’m just, I’m just gonna go now and, Changkyun,” Hyungwon levelled the younger with a stern glare, one that used to make the younger quiver in his boots (back before he knew Hyungwon cried every time something sad happened in a drama), but that now mostly made him lower his head indulgently, “ _ that _ ” Hyungwon jerked his head in the direction of Kihyun, “better be gone by the time I get back.”

Hyungwon turned around and was just about to walk off, when Changkyun’s voice calling after him made him freeze.

“ _ If _ you come home tonight.”

His tone was teasing, Kihyun even giggling slightly, but Hyungwon knew, and knew that Changkyun knew, the deeper meaning to it. If things went well tonight, Hyungwon wouldn’t come home. If things didn’t… he’ll be back in his room, writing his essay and slaving over his books before midnight.

“Even if I don’t,” he answered, managing to keep his voice teasing and light even as an icy fear (of himself, of how he wished he could just,  _ not be like that _ ), gripped his chest, “remember, Kihyun doesn’t stay the night.”

“ _ Yes Hyung _ .”

As Hyungwon opened the door and slipped out, Changkyun’s voice, always a bit too loud, floated out just before he closed the door.

“Listen, Kihyun, he  _ pays for my Netflix and internet _ . I will not anger the internet god, okay?”

Damn right, he better not. Hyungwon once changed his wifi password without telling Changkyun, honestly just forgetting about it, and, half an hour later, Changkyun was at his door, almost in tears as he asked for the password, wondering aloud if he had done anything wrong. He hadn’t, of course, but it had become good blackmailing material and Hyungwon would be  _ damned _ if he didn’t milk that for all it was worth.

Once outside, Hyungwon took a deep breath, the slightly-chilly pre-Autumn air refreshing in a way the stale, popcorn smelling air of Hyungwon’s room definitely wasn’t.

Tonight, he was going to get fucking laid. 

\---

This… may have been a mistake. 

Hyungwon hadn’t realised he had chosen the pants that chaffed until he was already halfway to the club and it was too late to go back (he wasn’t an idiot. He knew that  _ some _ shenanigans went on while he wasn’t there and he had absolutely  _ no _ wish to walk into anything like that  _ ever _ , so), and, on top of that, the pickings tonight… were disappointingly slim. 

Hyungwon knew the real crowd only came out a few hours later, knew he was a bit early to catch the real party people, so to speak. 

That wasn’t usually a problem, though. Usually, even when it was slightly more quiet, there were people that looked… interesting. (There were always people that looked interested. The staring used to bother Hyungwon when he was younger, used to make him more self-conscious and fidgety. Now, he bore it with the grace born of years of experience and modelling for money. People looking interested, however, did not automatically mean that Hyungwon actually gave a damn.)

Now, however, all he saw were a few girls eyeing him (he wasn’t opposed to girls, but he preferred guys, to be quite honest, and tonight was  _ definitely _ a guy night), and one or two guys, standing further down the bar, smirking at him.  _ Definitely _ not interested.

Hyungwon had made the mistake, once, when he was more desperate than usual, of going with one of those guys. The guys who leered at you, undressed you and did things to you with their eyes that you never consented to before even asking your name.

It… did not end well. That was the first, and so far the only, time he had slept curled up with Changkyun spooned around him, too wide-eyed and shaken and  _ cold _ , somehow, to be alone. 

“Hi.”

Almost spilling his drink, Hyungwon spun around, limbs he had long ago trained into graceful submission rebelling and flailing slightly, one palm hitting the chest of the guy who had come up behind him.

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you I just wanted, um, to talk to you.”

The guy was talking to Hyungwon. The guy who had, quite literally, somehow, sucked all the air out of the room. Hyungwon knew he had to respond. That, if he wanted this, this  _ being _ to stay with him, to not walk away, to actually  _ have a chance _ with him, he had to  _ say something _ . But just, like, locating his fucking tongue was hard.

Because, standing in front of him, was probably the most goddamn beautiful man Hyungwon had ever seen in his goddamn life.

He was wearing a sort of, vest, undercoat, whatever, the neckline plunging down to show the dip of his pectorals (and Hyungwon would need a whole fucking book to describe the beauty of those so it was better to stop with saying they were magnificent), wide shoulders leading to big, muscled arms, skin glistening slightly with either glitter or sweat. 

(Hyungwon didn’t know which and he didn’t particularly care. He would like to lick both off thank you very much.)

And then his  _ pants _ . His fucking  _ legs _ . Hyungwon almost let out an honest to god  _ whine _ when he saw tight, fitted leather pants stretched around the most magnificent thighs he had ever seen.

_ God _ , Hyungwon didn’t think he’d ever wanted someone this much.

“Um, hi? Sorry, am I bothering you?” The guy was taking a step backward now, Hyungwon’s hand still braced on his chest (on his skin! His mind was blaring sirens about that, which made it doubly hard to think.)

“No.”

Okay, a word. That was progress. Hyungwon shook his head. He needed to concentrate. His dick fucking  _ deserved this _ .

“I mean, no. You weren’t bothering me.” Okay, remove your hand now Hyungwon. This was getting awkward.  _ Remove it _ . “Sorry, I was just a bit startled.”

“Right, yeah, sorry about that. I just…” the guy trailed off, scratching the back of his head. “Anyway. I’m Hoseok.”

He held out a hand which gave Hyungwon the perfect opportunity to remove his hand from Hoseoks’s chest, to act like a proper human being for once in his life. Which, his hand thankfully decided to take, (thank fuck, there was a moment of quiet rebellion there that had Hyungwon starting to think he was going to lose that particular fight), reaching out and shaking Hoseok’s hand.

“Hyungwon.”

And, okay, Hyungwon should have known this was too easy. His hand, the traitorous bastard, wasn’t letting go of Hoseok’s, lingering instead, giving Hyungwon ample time to feel the slight calluses littering Hoseok’s palm, but probably not doing much for Hyungwon himself.

Hoseok’s grin, however, which had appeared when Hyungwon took his hand, only brightened (and god, what a smile. Hyungwon wanted to taste it. Ugh. That was so disgusting. But true.)

“Hyungwon.” Hoseok’s voice lingered on the name, stretching it out, sounding almost as if he was tasting it and, by the glint that entered his eyes, liking it. He was still holding Hyungwon’s hand, and Hoseok’s fingers tightened around it, eyes flicking around the room.

“Are you… I mean, did you-- what I mean to say is did you want to stay and-- or--”

“Yes.”

“Oh, you want to stay? Can I buy you a--”

“I mean,” Hyungwon shook his head, trying not to seem too desperate. He had  _ an image _ to maintain. “I mean, we can stay, if you want. I just, I meant I’m okay. With whatever. Yup.”

Eloquent.

Hoseok, however, was already pulling Hyungwon up, up and away from the bar, Hyungwon following obediently, only thinking to say something once they got outside.

“Are we-- we’re going to your place?”

Hoseok stopped before nodding and turning to face Hyungwon, a slight red flush visible on his face.

“I mean, obviously we don’t have to. I just, you’re just so pretty and, I mean, we can just, we can fucking watch a movie for all I care, but I want to-- you’re just--”

Hyungwon grinned. This, he could handle. He was  _ more _ than used to people, men and women alike, stuttering and losing their words around him. Granted, usually the person in question didn’t want to make Hyungwon immediately want to sink to his knees, but, this was… more familiar territory.

“I came out here to get laid,” he said, blunt, only slightly mortified when he saw Hoseok flinch. Better that the guy knew what he was getting into before things really got under way.

Hyungwon did one-night stands. Not a lot, and not always successfully, but it was always just a once-off thing. He’d had a few people pursue him before, try to make him stay, try to worm their way into his life, into his  _ space _ , and it had been horrible for all parties involved. Hyungwon didn’t want to be involved with anyone. He didn’t have time, or the space, or, he was pretty sure, the emotional capacity to get involved with someone.

He just liked sex.

“Okay, do you want…?” Hoseok gestured slightly, vaguely, avoiding Hyungwon’s eyes, and Hyungwon would be worried that he had scared him off if it wasn’t for the fact that Hoseok’s grip was still tight around his wrist, still keeping him close.

“ _ God _ , yes, please.”

“Okay, um, good.” Hoseok glanced up at him through his eyelashes, eyes burning with something dark, even as he grinned sheepishly.  “I’ll, uh, call a taxi.”

\---

After possibly the most tense ride in Hyungwon’s life, trying desperately not to say or do anything stupid, anything that might make this smiley, muscled  _ god _ not want to sleep with him, they arrived at a tall apartment building, not that far from Hyungwon’s, actually...

Hyungwon was silent as Hoseok led the way, still gently holding Hyungwon’s hand (something that seemed, seemed almost too sweet, too intimate, really, for what Hyungwon had planned) and, oh my god, Hyungwon had never wanted to get into anyone’s pants so badly in his  _ life _ . 

The only time he could remember ever feeling  _ near _ this desperate had been that one, short, sweet time with Baekhyun, the shorter, pretty boy treating Hyungwon as delicately as he had always wanted to be treated, heaping so much praise on him that Hyungwon had almost considered trying out for a swimwear modelling contract. For about two days, before reality caught up with him again. 

He was still good friends with Baekhyun, but the boy had made it quite clear that it was a one time thing, and, anyway, the last time Hyungwon had seen him, he had seemed to be incredibly happy (the same look on his face as Changkyun wore habitually these days) with his two boyfriends. Hyungwon wasn’t going to mess with that.

“Okay, so, um, this is my place,” Hoseok unlocked the door, walking ahead and shucking of his shoes at the entrance, Hyungwon following suit, padding into a surprisingly neat kitchen. Surprising only in the way that Hyungwon wasn’t used to a neat kitchen at all, as between him and Changkyun, things seemed to be in a permanent state of disarray. 

(Although, Hyungwon had to admit, since the Kihyun development, things seemed to be a lot… neater. He could actually see that they had more than one countertop anyway, so. Huh, Hyungwon guessed  _ one _ good thing had come out of that thing, anyway.)

“It’s… nice,” Hyungwon hummed, looking around, poking his head out of the kitchen to see a comfortable, lived-in looking living room. “Cozy.”

“Do you want to have some coffee? Or, um, something else? Tea? A, a beer?” Hoseok had his hands clasped behind his back, his appearance, something that brought to mind something wild and sexy, at odds with his posture that… seemed to be shrinking into himself? Was he… shy?

Oh, this was precious. Hyungwon had assumed, quite fairly, in his opinion, that Hoseok knew what he was doing. He  _ had _ been the one who had come up to Hyungwon, inserting himself into Hyungwon’s space, asking his name, asking him to  _ come home with him _ , but, incredibly, here he was, apparently unsure of what to do.

“Are you… okay? Do you want me to go? Are you--”

“No!” The near shout was followed by wide eyes from both Hoseok and Hyungwon, before Hoseok dropped his head and laughed, shakily. “Sorry, I guess it’s clear that I have no idea what I’m doing. I just…” he looked up, piercing Hyungwon with his gaze. “You just looked so pretty. So…” he bit his lip and Hyungwon swallowed, suddenly very clearly reminded of  _ why _ , exactly, he had wanted to come with Hoseok in the first place.

Hyungwon waited, but Hoseok seemed unable to go on, his eyes downcast. Well, if there was ever a time to be bold, to make the first move, this was definitely it. Now, he had to be subtle and like, like  _ smooth _ and he had to look as if he knew what he was doing and--

“Do you want to kiss me?”

Well. That was one way to go. God, when would he learn to _bite_ _his tongue_. Aaaand Hoseok wasn’t answering. Hoseok was staring at him, mouth hanging slightly open, not answering him. Well. This was pleasant. Not awkward _at all_.

“I mean, I just thought, you know--”

“Oh, yeah, no, sorry! Yes, I want to kiss you, I was just,” Hoseok waved with one hand, gesturing towards Hyungwon, pink in the face (and if that wasn’t the most adorable thing Hyungwon had ever seen), “distracted.”

“Okay.”

It was silent a few more moments, neither of them moving, still staring, before Hyungwon decided to say fuck it, and moved forward with three big steps, crowding Hoseok up against the counter, hands coming to rest lightly on Hoseok’s waist, forehead bumping lightly against Hoseok’s.

“Is this okay?” he breathed, eyes focused on Hoseok’s lips now, the pink tongue slipping out to wet them. Hyungwon  _ wanted _ .

In answer, Hoseok tipped his chin upwards, soft lips landing against Hyungwon’s, hands coming up to frame Hyungwon’s face and pull him closer, angling Hyungwon’s face to line up correctly. And, it was just, it was all so much, getting to kiss this beautiful man, finding out he’s apparently shy and unsure and, and it was all so much that Hyungwon couldn’t keep himself from letting out a soft little sound, barely there, something that wouldn’t even have been audible if the only sound in the room wasn’t their elevated breathing.

Hoseok pulled back, just a bit, fingers still soft on Hyungwon’s chin.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Yes. I’m just… please.” 

Hyungwon couldn’t say it, he couldn’t ask for it. He had already been more daring, put himself more out there than he usually did. Already risked more than he usually did. Luckily, Hoseok seemed to understand what Hyungwon couldn’t say, pulling him closer with a soft little groan of his own, pressing his leg in between Hyungwon’s, attaching his lips to Hyungwon’s with vigour this time, more demanding, tongue flicking out to tease, lightly, at the seam of Hyungwon’s lips.

For a few minutes, seconds, Hyungwon wasn’t entirely sure, all they did was stand there, close to each other, kissing, hands slowly learning the contours of each other’s bodies, Hoseok’s hands straying dangerously close to the edge of Hyungwon’s shirt, Hyungwon trying, but failing, not to tense up every time it did.

Hoseok started to pull back, started to say something and, to distract him (to distract him _ self _ ), Hyungwon pushed his hands under Hoseok’s vest, rucking up the fabric and stroking over the defined muscle while, at the same time, sucking lightly  _ just _ under the edge of Hoseok’s jaw, startling the other into moaning and clutching onto Hyungwon tighter. As he did that, the leg between Hyungwon’s leg inadvertently pressed  _ up _ and, with a start, groaning, Hyungwon realised he was already halfway on his way to being fully hard. 

Hoseok seemed to realise that too, pulling away slightly with a gasp.

“You wanna, maybe, move this to um, somewhere more comfortable?”

“You mean the bedroom? You can say bed. I’m not going to run away,” Hyungwon chuckled, adamantly  _ not _ moving away (and not just because his crotch was  _ still  _ pressed up against Hoseok’s thigh, receiving the most delicious friction.)

“Are you sure? I mean, I noticed you tensing up and--”

Hyungwon shook his head, quickly. No, he was going to be fine. He was  _ not _ going to lose his cool. Hoseok had told him he was pretty multiple times already, that should be  _ more _ than enough.

“N-no, I’m fine. I just, I...haven’t done this in a while, is all. Feels weird to be taking my clothes off in front of someone else ahaha.”

Yes, because that  _ definitely _ didn’t make him look like some kind of loser who couldn’t get anyone to sleep with him. Good job, Hyungwon.

“I get it,” Hoseok’s deep voice rumbled, surprising Hyungwon, who had half been expecting at  _ least _ a little mocking laughter. “The only reason I was out there tonight was because my friends had begun calling me a hermit, and I wanted to prove that I could…” Hoseok coughed, ducking his head slightly, continuing in a small voice, “that I could, um, get some.”

Smirking, Hyungwon ground down on Hoseok’s leg again, his head falling forward onto Wonho’s shoulder at the friction and pressure, groaning lowly and saying, in as seductive a voice as he could manage while simultaneously not trying to hump Hoseok’s leg like some pre-pubescent teenage boy, “Well, you can, ah,  _ definitely _ get some.”

There was a pause, before Hoseok giggled ( _ giggled _ ) slightly, hands pressing down on Hyungwon’s hips to grind him even firmer against Hoseok.

“Ah,” Hyungwon gasped, hips bucking. “We’re, uh,  _ fuck _ , we’re gonna really have to take this to the bedroom if--if you don’t want me c-coming from humping your leg.”

Hoseok huffed out a laugh and, ignoring Hyungwon’s indignant protest (quickly muffled by Hoseok’s mouth), hoisted Hyungwon’s legs around his hips, hands coming to rest beneath Hyungwon’s ass, and carried him to the bedroom.

“This is -- oof! -- so cliché,” Hyungwon complained, landing on the bed with a thump as Hoseok deposited him on the bed, looming over him with a grin, pulling his vest, shirt,  _ whatever _ it was called, over his head and gracing Hyungwon with the beauty and utter fucking  _ majesty _ that was Hoseok’s chest.

Which… was fucking something, alright. The bedside lamp was turned on, leaving dim shadows to fall over everything, and the dips and curves the light revealed was just… something else. Something that made Hyungwon want to touch and lick, but also something that made him want to ask Hoseok if it was at all possible that he could just, like, keep his shirt on. 

(He would include the pants in the request if it weren’t for the fact that he was practically  _ bursting  _ to get out. Like, actually. It was getting painful.)

Hoseok was staring at Hyungwon expectantly, and… Hyungwon knew what had to happen now. He knew he had to, he had to take off his shirt, take of  _ his _ clothes, be a normal fucking human being and be able to have sex without feeling like everything and anything about him was painful and awkward and unsightly. Or, at least, only feel like that at the beginning.

Hyungwon cleared his throat. He sat up, tugging at the bottom of his shirt, a sheer, thin thing that nonetheless made Hyungwon feel safer, more protected. Right, Hoseok was waiting. He  _ wanted _ to have sex with this man. He could do this. Taking a deep breath, (hands already shaking slightly and breath coming a bit faster because what if it happened again, what if he froze again, what if no matter what he couldn’t do it and--) he slowly started lifting his shirt, hoping it looked like he was doing it seductively, and not like he was fighting himself every step of the way.

“Wait, stop.”

Hyungwon’s heart dropped. Fuck. He’d done it again. Hoseok was irritated by him taking so long, or saw that he didn’t want to take his clothes off and--

Gentle hands slowly covered his, lowering his shirt, and Hyungwon looked up to see Hoseok kneeling in front of him, a soft, gentle smile on his face.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to take it off if you don’t want to.”

Oh, this was much worse. Now Hoseok thought Hyungwon didn’t want to have sex with him. Fuck.

“No, that’s not-- I  _ do _ want to have sex with you-- I just--”

“Hyungwon.” 

Hoseok’s voice stopped Hyungwon’s rambling, quieting him down as Hoseok lifted a hand to smooth back a strand of hair that had slipped into Hyungwon’s face.

“It’s okay,” Hoseok continued, hand now smoothing down Hyungwon’s face, thumb pausing as it traced the full curve of his lips. “You don’t have to take your clothes off. We also don’t have to stop. It’s fine. It’s fine.”

Hyungwon felt like he was frozen solid, his mind racing in a thousand different directions. No one had ever said that to him. No one, not even his most considerate partners, had ever told him he, had ever told him he  _ didn’t have to take his clothes off _ . Hyungwon didn’t even, it hadn’t even crossed his mind that that was a  _ possibility _ . 

“We… we don’t?”

Hoseok gently pushed Hyungwon backwards, leaning over him and pressing a lingering, sucking kiss to his exposed collarbone, before moving up and kissing his way up Hyungwon neck and jaw, taking his time. By the time Hoseok reached Hyungwon’s mouth, Hyungwon’s hands had already found purchase on Wonho’s ass, pulling him closer, his own hips stuttering upwards.

Hoseok pulled back slightly.

“Does that answer your question?”

Hyungwon didn’t know. He’d never done something like this, didn’t know how it would work, what they could do. What he  _ did _ know, however, was that his dick was rejoicing at the prospect of not having to come off with just Hyungwon’s hand for company, and that he really,  _ really _ wanted to get his hands on the sizeable bulge he could feel through Hoseok’s pants.

“I, I want…” Hyungwon trailed off, hands hesitating at the top of Hoseok’s pants, unsure if he was allowed to ask for clothes to be removed, when he himself wasn’t willing to remove any of his own clothes. Hoseok, however, simply pressed a kiss to the bridge of Hyungwon’s nose and stood up to shimmy out of his pants.

(As Hyungwon lifted himself up onto his elbows, he had the niggling thought that this had rapidly, almost scarily, become extremely intimate. He… wasn’t sure how he felt about that.)

That thought was knocked out of his head, however, as Hoseok finally stepped out of his pants, revealing himself to be bare underneath, and Hyungwon promptly lost his breath as Hoseok lowered himself over Hyungwon again.

Hoseok seemed to be settling in between Hyungwon’s legs but, but it was becoming increasingly painful and uncomfortable in his pants, and so Hyungwon, with a startled grunt from Hoseok, flipped Hoseok onto his back, getting up on his knees to undo the button of his pants.

“Just, I just… it hurts, is all,” Hyungwon managed to get out, lamely, at Hoseok’s raised eyebrow. 

“Okay,” Hoseok hummed, hands sliding down the backs of Hyungwon’s thighs, squeezing when it they came to the junction of his knees, causing Hyungwon to falter slightly in his movements, looking up to find Hoseok’s eyes on him, on his hands specifically, dark and hungry.

Okay, this he was okay with. This he could do.

So, as quickly as he could, already eyeing Hoseok’s dick laying flat on his stomach, big and… red, very red, Hyungwon pulled down his zipper, widened the opening as far as he could, then pulled out his own erection, tugging it out from from his pants. He was afraid he looked too lewd, too much, but Hoseok moaned and Hyungwon looked up to see him staring at Hyungwon unabashedly, one hand already moving down to encircle his own dick.

Hyungwon swatted his hand away, bending down to give Hoseok’s dick one, long, kittenish lick, glancing up to see Hoseok’s hands tightening in the sheets, mouth hanging slightly open.

And, well, Hyungwon knew he looked good doing this. He knew he had thick, distinctive lips, had been told more than once that he had ‘cock-sucking lips’ (though, that comment wasn’t always welcomed  _ or _ solicited), and, above all, he knew he was  _ good _ at giving head. 

So, he sucked. And licked, and bobbed his head and circled his hand around the parts his mouth couldn’t reach. He knew he looked a mess, spit dripping down his chin, but the chorus of moans and encouragement he was getting, the way Hoseok’s hand snuck down to his head, finger tightening in his hair as Hoseok’s thighs strained and tensed beside him, encouraged Hyungwon to disregard that, to keep going.

Before long, Hoseok’s hands started pulling, trying to get Hyungwon’s mouth off of him as he gasped out a warning. Obediently, Hyungwon slipped Hoseok’s cock out of his mouth, the head leaving the tight ring of his mouth with a pop, and he aimed Hoseok’s cock upwards, stroking and squeezing as Hoseok’s stomach muscles contracted and fluttered, cock twitching as he shot long white ropes of cum over his own stomach.

Hyungwon only realised he was humping the mattress furiously, still staring at Hoseok’s cum-covered stomach with wide eyes, when Hoseok’s hands encircled his arms and pulled him up, spitting into his own hand and reaching down to take Hyungwon’s cock into his own hand, stroking hard and fast until Hyungwon came with a soft little cry, head falling down onto Hoseok’s shoulder.

They both breathed heavily, resting against each other.

Hyungwon was spent, and satisfied, but he was also… scared. That had, somehow, been even more intimate than any time someone had actually fucked him. 

Every time after he had gotten laid before, he and/or the other person, had cleaned each other up, settled in to sleep, and happily gone their own way the next morning. This, however, with Hyungwon still fully dressed except for his softening dick hanging out, his cum drying on Hoseok’s hand and Hoseok’s other free hand softly stroking his back… this was something else.

This was too much.

Quickly, before he could change his mind, Hyungwon sprang up and tucked himself back into his pants, grabbing his jacket off the floor, trying very hard to appear as cool and collected as he felt he should be.

“Hyungwon?” Hoseok’s gravelly voice, deeper than before, called out to him as Hyungwon stepped out of the room. “What… where are you going?”

“That was, that was nice. Fun,” Hyungwon replied, voice tight. “Thank you. I… need to go now.”

And, with that, without giving Hoseok time to respond, or looking back, Hyungwon strode off, only pausing to collect his shoes at the front door before letting himself out and closing the door  behind him, the quiet ding of the electronic door lock confirming that it was locked.

He had had a nice night. He had a nice night, a nice (amazing, weird, one of a kind) hook-up with a nice guy. 

Now… well. Now it was time to go home and work on his essay and study for his test. Now it was time to forget. It should be easy. It always was.

(Hyungwon ignored the little voice in his head that told him, insistently, that he had never felt as safe or protected or,  _ accepted _ as he had in that small bedroom, with Hoseok’s dick in his mouth.)

This wasn’t different. It  _ wasn’t _ .  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor changes have been made in the previous chapter, so go back and reread that if you want. It's nothing major, but it is there.

The night before, Hyungwon had only been concentrated on getting home, shaky and exhilarated at the same time because he had just had maybe the best (sweetest, softest) orgasm of his whole life, but also wide-eyed. Because he had just had the sweetest orgasm of his life, and he had just walked out on the dude that had made him feel safe and accepted and just all around  _ better  _ about himself and. 

(And Hyungwon didn’t know what to do with this, didn’t know how to handle the sharp, tight, tight,  _ tight _ feeling in his chest, in his stomach, how to explain the itchiness behind his eyes when he thought of Hoseok’s gentle hands, sweeping away Hyungwon’s hair, telling him, gently, that he was  _ okay _ .)

He had stumbled into the apartment relatively early, even for Hyungwon, a quick glance at his phone as he unlocked the door revealing it was barely quarter to twelve. Kihyun was long gone by then, (Changkyun not only wanted to keep his internet privileges, but Hyungwon knew he was actually extremely shy, and that, for all their heavy make-out sessions, some of which Hyungwon himself had sometimes inadvertently interrupted, they hadn’t, actually, done all that much) but Changkyun himself was still sitting up in the living room, bleary eyes blinking at the television as he tried to follow the convoluted plot of yet another drama.

Changkyun had taken one look at Hyungwon and opened his arms, beckoning Hyungwon closer. Hyungwon had gone, used to this routine by now, used to the fact that, although neither he nor Changkyun ever acknowledged it, he  _ needed _ this after a night gone wrong.

Except…

The night hadn’t gone wrong. Not, really. Not if you looked at it in a purely ‘had Hyungwon gotten his rocks off’ way. But… it wasn’t what Hyungwon was used to. It wasn’t the usual getting over himself, or being desperate enough to get over himself, and then losing himself in the hands and the heat and action and desperation. 

It was… soft. It was… accepting. Hyungwon knew that sounded corny and weird, and if anyone else had said that to him, he would have scoffed and probably made some sort of cutting remark, reminding everyone that he was Hyungwon, and had no heart, and didn’t believe in romance, at least not for college students who were too busy and sleep-deprived to function all of the time. 

And yet. And yet.

While he cuddled up in Changkyun’s arms, trying to figure out what was going on in the drama--

(“So, she killed her husband?”

“ _ No _ , hyung,  _ god _ .  _ Obviously _ the husband died suspiciously, but we  _ know _ where she was during the night of the murder so--”

“Why do you always watch this stuff, Changkyun? Isn’t your life dramatic enough.”

“Escapism, hyung. It’s a wonderful thing you do when you don’t want to think about what a shitpile your life is.”

“Ah.”

“Yes.”)

\--he couldn’t help but feel a slight pang of, of guilt, almost, regret. 

Hyungwon  _ didn’t  _ have the time for this, he  _ didn’t  _ have the time for a relationship, he wasn’t even sure he was  _ capable  _ of a relationship.

Years of watching his friends, of watching Changkyun, fall in love, of watching the softness in their eyes, the strange sort of wistful happiness that followed them around when they weren’t sure of the other person’s affection yet, of looking at people at people and trying to make himself, to make himself  _ feel  _ something, anything… Had convinced Hyungwon that this wasn’t something he was capable of. 

He was too shallow. Too caught up in his own head. He didn’t  _ feel _ the right way. The normal way. They way all the dramas, and books, and movies showed you were supposed to. He didn’t want to go to the effort, the unnecessary lovey dovey bullshit drama of trying to get someone to love him, of trying to make himself love them. He was too selfish for love. Always have been.

This had just been. An anomaly. A kind guy, who had seen that Hyungwon was struggling, that he didn’t know how to… how to be normal. Who had wanted him enough to try anyway. 

Hyungwon swallowed heavily, the disappointment in himself, for being this way, for being too selfish, too heartless, (for leaving Hoseok when a tiny part of him was screaming to stay), sinking down to his stomach like a rock, settling heavily, resting among all his other heavily protected, swallowed, shameful thoughts.

After the episode finished and Changkyun announced he was going to bed, eyeing Hyungwon questioningly to see if the taller boy would take him up on his unspoken offer of cuddling and comfort, Hyungwon had smiled slightly and shook his head. It wasn’t like he  _ needed _ the comfort, after all. Things had been fine, gone  _ fine _ . 

(Well, fine in the way Hyungwon hadn’t come home frustrated, with himself and just in general, hadn’t come home hating himself and the world just a tiny bit more than before.)

It was one am, and Hyungwon still had to write his paper. It was one am, and his eyes were burning, and the rocks in his stomach were shifting around in a terribly inconvenient way, but he sat down at his books, took a deep breath, and plunged into the History of the Fork. 

(Which, for some reason, Hyungwon had chosen as his essay topic, thinking it would be mildly entertaining, if nothing else. He had been  _ wrong _ .)

\---

Waking up was always a pain. It would always  _ be _ a pain, no matter how late Hyungwon managed to sleep, or for what reason he had to get up. Waking up when you had gotten about four hours or less of rest (Hyungwon had honestly lost track of time at one point) and had a test in five hours you still somehow had to study for now that.  _ That _ , was hell.

“I. Want. To. Die,” Hyungwon enunciated, clearly and precisely, as he sat slumped at their kitchen table, staring into his bowl of soggy wheet-bix. 

Changkyun, hands cupped around a giant mug of coffee, (a soup bowl, really), shuffled past, hair hanging over his eyes in such a way that Hyungwon wondered he didn’t walk into the wall. “Same.” He shook his head, leaning over to rest his head on Hyungwon’s shoulder, peering into Hyungwon’s cereal bowl as well. “I thought you didn’t like soggy wheet-bix.”

“I don’t.” Hyungwon sighed, half-heartedly stirring his spoon in the cereal. “But it’s already in the bowl. So I have to eat it.”

Changkyun lifted his head, removing one hand from his soup bowl and patting Hyungwon’s shoulder. “Such a good Hyungwonnie, making sure food doesn’t go to waste. Now, where’s the leftover pizza.”

Hyungwon shoved a spoonful of soggy cereal in his mouth, watching dispassionately as Changkyun opened the fridge, stared intently at its meagre contents, then said, “Oh, yeah. Don’t bother looking.” He swallowed. “I’m like, ninety percent sure I had the last of it as a two am snack last night.”

“ _ Hyungwon _ .”

Hyungwon smirked, feeling absolutely no remorse as Changkyun looked at him abjectly. “You can have one of my apples,” he offered. “I mean, the pest already ate most of them, but I’m a kind and generous hyung, and I’ll offer them to you.” Hyungwon smile beautifically.

Changkyun pouted, but grabbed an apple. Probably because the only other food stuff they had in the apartment were four packets of Ramen and a half full carton of milk. Yes, they were doing  _ great _ as fully functional adults who bought their own groceries and lived in a nice, clean, definitely not smelling faintly of old cheese apartment, thanks for asking.

Changkyun leaned against the counter, munching on the apple, watching as Hyungwon shoveled the last of the cereal into his mouth. “Hey.” He cleared his throat, prompting Hyungwon to look at him. “Are, are you okay?” Hyungwon froze, feeling his jaw clench against his will, a muscle jumping in his neck. “I mean, I mean you came back last night, early, um, very early. And I was just worried--”

“I’m fine.” It came out snappish, harsh, and Hyungwon sighed as Changkyun flinched. “Sorry. I’m fine, Changkyun.” He was always fine. “There’s nothing to worry about, really.”

There was silence as Hyungwon stood up and gathered his bowl, depositing it in the suspiciously empty sink. Huh. Looked like Kihyun had gotten to their dishes again. Well. Hyungwon would forgive him that one apple he ate.

“Hyung…” Changkyun started, Hyungwon’s back to him. “You know it’s, it’s okay to not, to not, like, I don’t know, to not be okay?” Hyungwon pursed his lips, imagining a blanket smothering the icy feeling blooming in his chest. It worked. Sometimes. “Like, Hyungwon, hyung, you don’t. You don’t  _ see _ yourself, each time you come back. Each time things turn out not okay, and even, even when things  _ do _ .”

There was a crack in Changkyun’s voice, and Hyungwon winced. He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t  _ want _ to  _ hear _ this.

“Hyung, you’re so pale, so pale, each time.” Changkyun’s voice was closer now, and Hyungwon felt an arm encircle his waist.

Hyungwon forced a chuckle, intentionally loosening his shoulders. “I’m  _ always _ pale, Changkyun. I don’t go outside, remember.”

Changkyun’s arm tightened around his waist. “ _ Hyung _ . Please. I’m worried.”

Hyungwon turned around, stepping out of Changkyun’s embrace, plastering a not entirely fake smile on his face. “I know, Changkyun. But, it’s fine. I know what I’m doing. Honestly.”

Hyungwon’s eye caught the clock against the wall, the one both him and Changkyun always made sure was wound up correctly because they werer both fucking terrible at keeping time, and he cursed. “Fuck.  _ Fuck _ . Changkyun, it’s past eight, we’re gonna be late.”

“Oh  _ fuck _ ,” Changkyun cursed, and they both dashed off to their respective bedrooms, hurrying each other up in turn as they ran about, trying not to miss the only bus that left early enough to get to campus on time.

In the rush and bustle of getting ready, running to get the bus and trying not to die because holy  _ fuck _ was Hyungwon unfit, Hyungwon almost forgot about the events of the previous night. 

Almost.

\---

Hyungwon walked out of his Linguistics class, awkwardly shuffling his books back into his bag, before zipping it up and slinging it onto his back, before continuing down the stairs, making his way to the library. It was a miracle, really, how unfit he was, considering he walked up and down stairs the whole day and basically traversed the campus at least three times a day, with all the walking.

He was about halfway to the library, head down as he paged through his textbook, desperately trying to cram information into his head before the test, when he walked smack dab into someone very, very solid. Solid enough that it sent Hyungwon flying, his skinny legs buckling under the weight, and he flew backwards, textbook knocked out of his hands, falling onto his ass, getting his fucking wind knocked out. 

As if that wasn’t enough, when Hyungwon looked up, his eyes travelled up a fucking fine pair of legs, widening into a really nice waist and chest, accentuated by a flannel button up shirt and ending in…

“Hoseok?” Hyungwon choked, wheezing slightly, trying to get his breath back. 

Hoseok was staring at him with wide eyes, phone held against his chest, and it was only when he saw Hyungwon clutching at his stomach with one arm and reaching out for his textbook with the other, that he moved with jerky, shocked movements, sticking out a hand to, presumably, help Hyungwon up, but hitting him in the face instead, causing Hyungwon to groan and reach up, holding the side of his face.

“I-- Oh my god, Hyungwon, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you and then-- oh my god I hit you in the face--”

Hyungwon held up a hand as Hoseok started to move closer again.

“No. No, don’t come any closer. Just, hold still.” Hoseok froze, before slowly moving backwards. “Okay. Okay, cool.” Hyungwon swallowed, trying to think of anything to say to the guy he sucked off last night, and who then knocked him to his feet and hit him in the face. His eyes fell on his textbook, lying open on the ground, cover bent. “Ah, fuck,” he groaned. “I was gonna sell that when I was done.”

“Sorry.” Hyungwon glanced at Hoseok, who had his hands folded in front of him, watching Hyungwon with wide, concerned eyes. 

Hyungwon blinked, looking away. He heaved himself to his feet, coughing lightly, before dusting himself off and bending down to pick up his book, stuffing it in his backpack lying a few feet away. He sighed, looking at the bent corners before zipping the backpack up. He might still be able to get a few bucks for it. 

“Are… Are you okay?”

Hyungwon looked up, slightly surprised to see Hoseok still standing there, taking a few hesitant steps closer. He’d half expected him to walk away by now. 

“I’m fine. Just a bit winded.” Hyungwon dropped his eyes, hands coming up to grip around the straps of his backpack. “Well. Bye, I guess.” He started walking past Hoseok, only to be stopped by a light touch to the elbow. Hyungwon looked up, trying not to feel shaky. 

This was just his one-night stand from the previous night in front of him again, looking irresistible in a brand new way. It’s not like Hyungwon was fighting down a blush with each second spent in his company. It wasn’t like the rocks in his stomach was trembling. 

“What?” It came out a bit more harsh than Hyungwon had intended, and he cleared his throat, trying again. “What?”

Hoseok withdrew his hand from Hyungwon’s elbow, sucking his lower lip into his mouth.

Hyungwon sternly berated the part of his brain that was urging him to reach forward and pull it out, to see the full wet pinkness of it. It didn’t stop that part of his brain from painting his cheeks a light pink, though, thankfully, Hoseok didn’t seem to notice, his eyes downcast again.

“Um, I’m really sorry for knocking you down.”

“It’s fine. We were both not paying attention.”

There was silence for a moment, and Hyungwon took a step forward again, before Hoseok spoke again. 

“Do you wanna, do you wanna get some coffee with me? I’m, I’m meeting a friend, and it’s the least I can do for knocking you down, and hitting you in the face.” Hoseok gave a small chuckle at that, and Hyungwon almost smiled at the crooked grin that spread across Hoseok’s face. 

Hyungwon’s immediate, gut-reaction, was to say no, to say sorry, but he had to study, which was true, and that he didn’t really talk with his one-night stands again after the deed, also true, and that he didn’t want to. Which was less true. 

But. But Hoseok was standing in front of him, still with that hopeful smile on his face, looking like the most perfect farmboy, like on one of the covers of Hyungwon’s mom’s romance novels, and even though he really did need to study for his test, and this was a bad idea on oh, so many levels, Hyungwon found himself turning around, found himself nodding. 

“Uh, okay. Yeah, sure. I don’t drink coffee, though. Just tea.”

The blinding smile Hoseok gave him was almost worth the failing grade Hyungwon was most definitely going to get later.

\---

After a slightly awkward walk, one in which Hoseok kept opening and closing his mouth as if he was going to say something, and Hyungwon kept watching him out of corner of his eye to see if he would actually, like, say something now, (though he never did), they walked into a coffee shop, and Hoseok’s eyes lit up as they alighted on a boy sitting at a table next to the window.

“Minhyuk!” Hoseok called, and Hyungwon watched as the boy looked up, smile spreading across his face as he saw Hoseok, before his eyes turned to Hyungwon standing next to him, and his smile turned a disturbing shade of calculating.

“Hiiii Hoseokkie,” the boy, Minhyuk, simpered, eyes cutting to Hyungwon one more time before focusing on Hoseok again. “So. Is this the ‘pretty, tall boy’, in your words, that’s responsible for that hickey on your neck?”

Hoseok coughed, red rapidly creeping up his neck, and looked away from Hyungwon, who blanched, eyes darting to Hoseok’s neck to see that, yes, he had indeed left a dark bruise on Hoseok’s neck. Oh god.

“Um,” Hyungwon began, a weird fluttering feeling in his chest. Hoseok had called him the pretty, tall boy. Had Hoseok told Minhyuk what had happened? Had he told Minhyuk that Hyungwon had freaked out? That he hadn’t been able to be normal, take his clothes off, stay? 

Hyungwon was dimly aware of the fact that he was starting to panic. It didn’t happen often, since Hyungwon was careful, so, so very careful, usually, not to get into situations that would trigger his panic responses.

“I-- I have to go, um, nice meeting you Minhyuk, ah--”

Hoseok looked up, a startled look in his eyes. “Hyungwon, wait, what--”

Minhyuk was looking at Hyungwon with a frown, before his face suddenly lightened and he chuckled. “Ooooooh. He thinks you kiss and told, Hoseok.” Minhyuk grinned, leaning forward, propping his chin in his hand. “The tall bean is  _ shy _ . Aw, Hoseok, he’s precious. We need to keep him.”

Thoroughly startled Hyungwon glanced at Hoseok, who glanced at Minhyuk, before looking at Hyungwon with wide, concerned eyes. “Um, Minhyuk,” he started, glancing away from Hyungwon, “Why don’t you go get us some uh, tea. And coffee.”

Minhyuk frowned at Hoseok, before looking at Hyungwon. “Uh, right. Be right back.”

Hoseok took a deep breath, before taking a seat at the table, gesturing for Hyungwon to take a seat too. Which he did. Carefully and as if he was afraid the chair would bite him. No big deal. Hoseok had just told his friend about his one-night stand, which, you know, he had every right to do. Especially since, you know, Hyungwon had walked out on him and--

“I’m sorry I--”

“I didn’t tell him--”

They both spoke at once, words overlapping each other, and they paused, both looking at each other, chagrined. 

“Um. You first,” Hyungwon said, lifting up a hand to play with the strings of his hoodie. It wasn’t the best habit, but at least he wasn’t biting them anymore. He had been thoroughly cured of that habit when he once, accidentally and to his utter horror, overheard Kihyun telling Changkyun he found it cute. 

He wanted no part of himself to look cute to Kihyun, thank you  _ very _ much.

“I wanted to say, I didn’t tell him.” There was a pause as Hyungwon raised his eyebrow. ‘Pretty, tall boy’ didn’t sound like not telling anyone. “I meant, I told him there was someone, and there were certain, ahem, physical descriptions, but. But nothing else. I wouldn’t do that. I didn’t do that.”

Hyungwon pursed his lips, glancing at the counter where Minhyuk was ah, ‘not watching’ them. Meaning, of course, that he was almost leaning forward looking at them, before catching Hyungwon’s eye and grinning before shrugging and turning away.

“Oh. Okay.” Hyungwon cleared his throat. “Thanks. I--thanks.”

“No, yeah, sure. I mean, what kind of asshole would I be if I did that huh.” He laughed, but Hyungwon winced. 

“The kind of asshole that left right after?”

Hoseok stopped mid-chuckle, his eyes widening slightly. 

“Ah, well… I mean. You probably had shit to do. I assume. And. Well. It was a one-night stand, right? It wasn’t like I wanted to make you pancakes in the morning, with golden syrup and bacon.” Hoseok glanced up, something almost guilty shining in his eyes. “Of course not. That would be stupid.”

Hyungwon felt a curious lump in his throat, able to imagine the scenario where he woke up with Hoseok next to him, kissing him awake, making breakfast together, back hugs… all that gooey shit, much, much too easily. All too easily, given that such things, the fondness Hyungwon could easily imagine on Hoseok’s face, the way he, surprisingly, for the first time, could actually see himself coming home to someone, weren’t meant for someone like him.

“Yeah. Stupid. Right.”

“You know, I’m sure this is like, a  _ riveting _ conversation, and all that, but, me and Hoseok here have to get to class.” Minhyuk’s voice sounded up from behind Hyungwon, and he looked up as the older boy plopped a cup in front of Hyungwon, pulling on Hoseok’s arm, urging him up onto his feet. “Say goodbye to loverboy, Hoseok, we  _ really _ need to get to class.”

“I, oh, but, Minhyuk, lemme just--”

But Minhyuk was already hurrying off, a firm grip on Hoseok’s wrist, and Hoseok barely managed a goodbye wave before he was pulled around a corner, disappearing from view. 

Hyungwon grinned after them, slightly shell-shocked, before glancing down at his cup, and releasing a breathy laugh. Because, in big, sparkly purple pen, Hoseok’s name and number was written on the side, with the message:  _ He really likes you, you know. I can tell _ . 

Well, this was interesting.

(For the record, Hyungwon just about managed to scrape a pass on the test.)

\---

Hyungwon had finished the tea, and had carried the cup around with him all day long, alternating between convincing himself he was just keeping the cup for posterity’s sake, and trying to talk himself into actually messaging Hoseok.

They could be friends, right? Being friends was fine. He was friends with Baekhyun, after all. Granted, Hyungwon didn’t get the urge to bite Baekhyun’s thighs each time he saw him, but each person came with their own challenges, after all. 

Changkyun had to stay late for a group project, and that was how Hyungwon found himself at their kitchen table at five in the afternoon, cup placed in front of him, bent forward on his chair and head resting on the table top. He was gonna make a choice soon. He was gonna, he was gonna either do the thing. Or not do the thing. This shouldn’t be as hard as it was.

The door beeped, and Hyungwon frowned and sat up. Changkyun wasn’t supposed to be home for another hour.

“Honey, I’m home,” Kihyun’s voice rang out, and Hyungwon groaned. 

What the  _ fuck _ . That was disgusting. 

“That’s disgusting,” Hyungwon called out, pleased when Kihyun walked into the question and let out a squeak of surprise. Serves him right, the twat. “When the fuck did Changkyun give you the passcode? Also, this is  _ not your fucking home _ .”

Kihyun sniffed, looking around the kitchen and pulling up his nose at the perceived clutter. Hyungwon rolled his eyes. It wasn’t  _ that _ bad, honestly. Sure, there were a few dishes in the sink, and maybe the counters could use a bit of wipe-down, and, okay, Hyungwon should probably have stopped at the grocery store before coming home, but they still had the ramen. It was  _ fine _ .

“If you don’t  _ like _ it, you can  _ leave _ .”

“No, I  _ can’t _ . Yoongi has Jungkook over again, and it’s not fucking safe to be there when those two are together. The things I’ve seen.” His eyes were wide, obviously recalling traumatic memories, and Hyungwon sniggered.

“Good, now you can feel  _ my  _ pain.”

“Oh, hush, you haven’t done the dishes even  _ once _ since I started dating Changkyun. Stop complaining.” 

Hyungwon opened his mouth, closed it, and huffed, rolling his eyes at Kihyun’s pleased smirk. 

“Oh, fuck off. Do whatever you want in here, I’m going to my room.”

“Okay son.”

“ _ Stop that _ .”

Hyungwon grabbed the cup, sneering at Kihyun’s smirk, and stomped off to his room, slumping down on his bed. He stared at the number. It stared back. He could do this. It wasn’t. It wasn’t scary. It wasn’t serious. He was just, he was just making a new friend. A friend that made Hyungwon imagine the most ghastly dirty things, but just a friend, nonetheless. He could do this.

Ignoring the sounds coming from the kitchen, although from the curses it seemed like Kihyun had figured out they had next to no food in the house, Hyungwon unlocked his phone, keyed in the number, and took a deep breath. Chill out, Hyungwon, he told himself. This was not a big deal.

\---

**Unknown Number**

Hi

This is Hyungwon

Minhyuk gave me your number

On the tea cup

Sorry if this is weird

It’s just. Well.

I had the number.

**Hoseok**

Hi Hyungwon!!

Yeah, he told me he did that after we left

Sorry about him

He means well

But I know he’s a bit much sometimes

**Hyungwon**

It’s okay

I liked him

I think

**Hoseok**

Good

I mean

If we’re gonna be friends, I’d hope you’ll like my other friends

I would like to be friends

I like you

Sorry

**Hyungwon**

I like you too

I would like to be friends

**Hoseok**

That’s great

That’s really great

I’m glad

\---

Hyungwon locked his phone, throwing it away from him. He couldn’t contain the smile that spread across his face, that threatened to overtake it. There was a fluttery, floaty feeling in his chest. It was almost like a panic attack, springy and floaty and bubbly enough, but instead of making him want to puke, making him want to shake out of control, it made him want to roll around on his bed, pressing his smiling face into his pillow.

This was weird, this was new. And Hyungwon wasn’t entirely sure he minded. In fact, he was almost sure he didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, my dudes. It's been a while. Sorry for the monstrous delay, I promise the next update won't take that long. I hope you guys like it!
> 
> Find me on Twitter:  
> [booksandtea15](https://twitter.com/booksandtea15)


	3. Revelations

Hyungwon jerked awake, staring at the door, in which a dark shadow was standing, knocking on his door. Hyungwon blinked blearily, the darkness solidifying into a sniffing Changkyun, boxers almost disappearing underneath… 

Hyungwon sighed. Changkyun was wearing his ex’s hoodie, and that never led to good things.

“Changkyun?” Hyungwon’s voice was rough and scratchy from sleep, but the younger boy gave a small sob and shuffled forward, pulling back Hyungwon’s covers and burying himself in Hyungwon’s arms, pushing his chin insistently under Hyungwon’s head until he sighed and shifted so that the younger could hide his face under Hyungwon’s chin.

“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon hummed, stroking Changkyun’s back. “Wanna talk about it?”

Changkyun sniffed, and Hyungwon felt a wetness on his collarbone. He hugged Changkyun closer. 

“No. Maybe.” Changkyun let out a small, choked-off cry. “Hyung, I’m not supposed to feel this way anymore, am I? I mean, I have Kihyun, and I like him so much and… Oh, Hyungwon. Why does it still hurt?”

Hyungwon sighed. Hyungwon had met Changkyun post a reportedly very bad breakup. He hadn’t known the guy who had broken Changkyun’s heart, and to be frank, he didn’t care to. From everything Changkyun had told him, the guy had been a real jerk. He had told Changkyun he’d never felt that way about someone before, that he never would again, that Changkyun was the one for him. And then he had turned around and said he was in love with his ex, that what he had said to Changkyun wasn’t true, and that he and his ex were soulmates. 

Among other things. 

And. And Hyungwon didn’t know what to say. How to help. He knew the usual platitudes. The ‘it’s only a break-up’ and the ‘he was a dick anyway’. And it’s not like they were wrong, at least in Hyungwon’s eyes, but he knew Changkyun had heard that all before, enough times that he had quietly, softly, told Hyungwon it only made him feel worse when people said that. 

Hyungwon didn’t know what to say. He didn’t. But he loved Changkyun. And he would try, again, for him.

“I… I think it’s okay to still hurt. You loved him. You believed him. You trusted him. I don’t know if that ever goes away. I really don’t. But, you love Kihyun too, don’t you?”

Changkyun nodded, shoulders shaking harder. “I do. I really, really do. But, but every time I’m with him, I think about how it still hurts, how every time I think of what he did, I still hurt, and struggle to breath. And, and would it still hurt if I didn’t care about him?"

Hyungwon’s heart ached, starting to clench. 

“I don’t know, Changkyun. I don’t know. But, even though the fucker irritates the shit out of me,” Hyungwon smiled as Changkyun chuckled wetly, “I can tell that he really cares about you. And I know you care about him.” Hyungwon stroked Changkyun’s head. “Want me to put on the playlist?”

“Please, hyung.”

Hyungwon unentangled himself from Changkyun and cycled through Spotify, clicking on the playlist he had created specifically for when Changkyun couldn’t sleep. The songs were soft, and sweet, and rarely had words, and it was barely two songs in before Changkyun was snoring lightly against Hyungwon’s chest.

\---

Hyungwon watched Changkyun carefully the next morning, watching for signs of distress, of him breaking again. 

But at breakfast, he was all smiles, even going so far as to make Hyungwon his tea and not make remarks about him drinking leaves. And when they parted ways as they got off the bus, Changkyun grinned at him, squeezed his hand, and walked of to meet Kihyun who was waiting at a bench a few feet away. 

Hyungwon looked at Kihyun. Kihyun looked at Hyungwon. Kihyun nodded at Hyungwon. Hyungwon rolled his eyes at Kihyun. They’ll be fine. Probably. Hopefully. 

His phone buzzed, and Hyungwon looked down, fighting the nausea in his stomach as he saw Hoseok’s name flash on his phone.

\---

**Hoseok**

Hi!

Do you want to get lunch today?

Or study together in the library?

I’m on campus all day today

With literally like, nothing to do between classes

**Hyungwon**

Oh, hi

I’m a little busy today

**Hoseok**

Oh. Okay

I mean, that’s fine

Another time, maybe?

\---

Hyungwon bit his lip, fighting the panic climbing up his throat. He didn’t. He didn’t understand why he was so. Was so stupidly panicky about this. It’s not like he wasn’t friends with a few of his hookups. 

Baekhyun.

Hyunwoo, though to be fair before anything really happened they figured out they were both too freaking unsure of themselves to do anything constructive about their,  _ situations _ , at all.

And it wasn’t. There wasn’t this weird, panicky, stupid feeling in Hyungwon’s chest that actually kinda made him want to throw up. He should be able to be friends without freaking out. You know. Like a normal human being. 

Hyungwon sighed. 

\---

**Hyungwon**

Yeah!

I mean

I said I don’t have time today

But I have two hours between two classes

I was going to study

But I guess we could study together?

It’s from 13:00 - 15:00

**Hoseok**

Yeah I can meet you at 14:00?

**Hyungwon**

Cool

**Hoseok**

Cool!

See you then :D

\---

**Hyungwon**

Hey, brat

You okay?

**Changkyun**

Yeah

Sorry

Last night was rough

For some reason

I’m okay

**Hyungwon**

Okay

I’m here for memes and general miserableness

If needed

**Changkyun**

Noted

\---

Hyungwon sat on the steps of the library, scanning the people walking around. After a month at university, Hyungwon had trained himself not to meet people’s eyes, not to look around too much, not to be… discomfited by the stares he received. Either because he was tall, or because people liked the way he looked, or didn’t, or just because their eyes happened to fall on him. He didn’t notice shit like that anymore. 

Well,  _ usually _ he didn’t. 

Now, however, he was hyper-aware of the people passing him, of the passing looks and lingering glances. He was waiting for Hoseok, waiting for him to show up and, and do whatever it was they were going to fucking do. 

And he couldn’t  _ relax _ . He couldn’t find the calm, the chill, that he usually fell into while at university. The headspace that made him just, kinda tune out whatever it was he wasn’t interested in. It worked, for the most part, discounting a few clumsy bumps and falls here and there, a cause of that same inattention. 

Hyungwon was trying to stare down some first year girl, who was giggling and whispering at her friend while sneaking glances at him, when there was a thump next to him as a bookbag hit the steps and a body slumped down next to him. Hyungwon turned, ready to snap at whoever thought they could invade his fucking personal space--

\--and looked right into the smiling face of Hoseok, leaning close, shoulders bumping. 

“Hyungwon!” Hoseok beamed. “I ah, I didn’t know how much sugar you took, so I just brought some packets and uh, yeah, tea!” Hoseok held out his hands, in one of which he held a cup, and the other stuffed with sugar packets. 

Hyungwon couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face as he reached out for the cup and the sugars. “Just two, but,” Hyungwon huffed out a laugh, holding out his hand for Hoseok to drop the sugars into it. “But I guess I can keep this for the future.”

Hoseok ducked his head, red staining his cheeks. Hyungwon resisted the urge to poke fun at him. He liked seeing people squirm. 

“Yeah, look at me being a good bo-- a good friend,” Hoseok stuttered, and Hyungwon frowned at his slip. It almost, it almost sounded like he wanted to say-- but, obviously, he didn’t. He wouldn’t. They were just friends. Friends who were gonna study together, the heavy drag of the bag on Hyungwon’s back reminded him.

Hyungwon shook his head, dislodging the uncomfortable, cringey feeling climbing up his throat and getting stuck there. “Come on, let’s go study. The firstie I bribed to save us a table has probably run off by now, but, maybe not.”

Hoseok guffawed, still red in the face. “Yeah, sure, let’s go.”

So, they went, grabbed the table from the firstie who was still holding it, surprisingly, and studied. 

(And Hyungwon  _ definitely  _ did not get all the way distracted by the way Hoseok’s muscles bunched up under his shirt. Not at  _ all _ .)

\---

The worst thing, in Hyungwon’s  _ professional _ handling anxiety and distracting himself opinion, was not being able to get out of your own head. 

It sounded asinine, and stupid, and just plain, dumb. Hyungwon wouldn’t scoff if anyone said that to him, because he knew how that felt like, but he knew a lot of people who  _ would _ scoff at that. Who would tell him he’s being a baby, he’s being dumb, that he should just fucking,  _ do the thing _ , or,  _ not care what people think _ , or whatever the hell it was.

Which is why, when Changkyun came home, came bursting into Hyungwon’s room with manic energy and wild eyes, voice clamouring and climbing up and over itself as Changkyun prattled on about anything and everything and all of the things, Hyungwon closed his books, grabbed Changkyun’s hand, and dragged him to the front door.

When Hyungwon couldn’t get out of his head, couldn’t get over himself, wanted to crawl out of his skin and just, just  _ stop existing _ , he needed to be alone. He needed to retreat to his room, wrap himself up in the corner of his bed, in his room, and just enter another world for a while, be it in music, books or movies. 

Changkyun, however, needed to get out. He needed to be in a noisy place, a place where he could lose himself, where he could expel himself of the excess energy in way that didn’t hurt himself or others. Well, hurt himself much, that is. 

So, ice-skating it was.

The first time Hyungwon had suggested it, mostly out of frustration at having Changkyun breaking his fifth glass in ten minutes, because he kept gesturing too wildly, and his hands were shaking too badly, Changkyun had scoffed at him.

“Hyung, I’m a danger to myself as it is. Do you really want to put fucking  _ blades _ on my feet and let me loose?” 

“Listen, Changkyun, it’s either that, or I hang you up by your feet outside until you  _ calm the fuck down _ .”

The first time Changkyun had stepped on the ice, it  _ was _ a bit of a disaster. He slipped and slid and fell on his ass and his hands more times than Hyungwon cared to keep count of. Hyungwon, ice-skating since he was tall enough to hold onto the edge, skated circles around Changkyun, teasing and cajoling him up each time he fell. And, afterwards, even though Changkyun was groaning and moaning, limping on a swollen knee, his eyes had lost the wild shine and he didn’t babble over himself. 

Today, Changkyun set off straight away, stepping on the ice and speeding off too fast for Hyungwon to catch up. Well, to  _ care _ to catch up anyway. The bumbling, uncoordinated legs of a first time skater had left Changkyun quickly; somewhere on the third or fourth visit he had found his legs, and hadn’t lost them yet. 

Hyungwon, leisurely skating along the side, helping newcomers as he could and accepting a small girl’s hand after he had helped her up two times, jerked slightly as his name was called behind him. Smiling apologetically at the little girl glaring at him, Hyungwon turned around, expecting to see Changkyun, raising his eyebrows a little as a familiar looking boy slid up to him, smiling brightly. 

“Hyungwon! It is you, right?” The boy skid to a stop next to them, adjusting his speed to match as the girl tugged at Hyungwon’s hand insistently, pulling him forward. 

“Yeah…?” Hyungwon frowned. He knew this boy looked familiar but he couldn’t quite place him. “I’m sorry, I’m bad at names. I’m pretty sure I know your name but--”

“Minhyuk!” the boy exclaimed, mouth pursing into a subdued smile. “Ah, sorry, guess our meeting was a bit brief. I’m Hoseok’s friend, remember?”

Hyungwon had a flash of recognition, of tea being shoved into his hand and Hoseok being tugged away, as the boy and the name matched up in his head. “Oh. Yeah. I remember now. Sorry.” Hyungwon blinked, disconcerted at finding a piece of Hoseok at a place he had begun to consider solely his and Changkyun’s. Stupid, given the fact that this was a public ice rink and anyway could skate on it. Hyungwon cleared his throat when Minhyuk beamed at him. “So, you skate?”

A look Hyungwon’s didn’t recognise passed over Minhyuk’s face, part amusement, part… something else. Disappointment? 

“You could say that, yeah. Actually, I sort of work here. I need to clear the ice. It’s time for practise.” Minhyuk nodded his head to the stands, and Hyungwon saw various athletically inclined looking individuals stretching and pulling on their skates.

“Oh, yeah, course.” Hyungwon swivelled and crouched in front of the girl, who was looking at where Minhyuk had pointed with wide eyes. “Why don’t you go find your mommy? I think we all need to get off the ice now, honey.”

The girl blinked at him, frowned, before turning to Minhyuk, dropping Hyungwon’s hand. “Sir, how do I get over there?” She lisped, slightly, and she was pointing towards the athletes. Hyungwon opened his mouth to answer, to tell her which stairs to take, when Minhyuk interrupted, a soft smile on his face. 

“We have a class for beginners Monday and Wednesday afternoons from two till five. If you and your mommy go and ask at the information desk, they’ll tell you what the costs are.”

The girl beamed at Minhyuk, before zipping off, reaching the exit and running straight into a woman’s arms, pointing excitedly at Minhyuk and then at the information desk. 

“Oh.” Hyungwon thanked his lucky stars he hadn’t said anything. “Of course that’s what she meant.”

“She’s cute,” Minhyuk declared, waving at the little girl. “I hope she joins my class.”

“You give class here?”

“Among other things.” Minhyuk waggled his eyebrows.

“That sounds… slightly disturbing.”

Minhyuk laughed, shaking his head. “You’re cute. Also, I heard you texted Hoseok.” His eyes widened, seeming to zero in on Hyungwon. Hyungwon resisted the urge to tug at his collar. “Do you like him?”

Hyungwon shrugged, very aware of the uncomfortable feeling creeping out of his stomach. “I like him well enough. He seems like a good guy.”

Minhyuk slid closer, hand coming up to closer around Hyungwon’s shoulder, either not noticing or ignoring the way Hyungwon tensed up, almost beginning to lean backwards. “He’s a  _ very _ good guy.” He narrowed his eyes. “You better not hurt him.” The smile from earlier had slid off of Minhyuk’s face, and Hyungwon fought not to flinch. 

Instead, he scoffed, shrugging Minhyuk’s hand off, simultaneously stepping backwards. “How would  _ I  _ hurt him? I barely know him.”

Minhyuk pursed his lips, opening his mouth like he wanted to say more, but just at that moment a mechanic bell sounded, alerting the people still on the ice to get off, and Changkyun slid up to Hyungwon, giving Minhyuk a quick glance before grabbing Hyungwon’s hand. “Come on, hyung. I don’t want to hurried off by that big security guard again.”

“Right, yeah,” Hyungwon murmured, waving at Minhyuk, who had once again transitioned into a smiling blond angel, before skating after Changkyun.

“Who was that?” Changkyun huffed in the dressing room, pulling his skates off with some effort. Hyungwon kept telling him not to make them that tight, since he always came away with blisters, but Changkyun insisted on it. If they were any looser, he said, it felt as if he was wearing nothing. 

“Just, some guy I met a few days ago. Didn’t know he worked here.”

If Changkyun hadn’t just come down from an episode, if he hadn’t just expended all his energy on going as fast as he possibly could, Hyungwon knew he wouldn’t have gotten away with it. The careful way he tilted his head away, the forced light tone in his voice wouldn’t even have flown for a second, glared away by Changkyun’s piercing gaze. As it was, however, Changkyun merely nodded, his exhaustion dragging his head and shoulders down. 

Hyungwon bit his lip, secretly disappointed. It’s not like he  _ wanted  _ to talk about, whatever that had been. It’s not like he knew what he was feeling about all of that anyway, with the way anxiety was swishing around in him. But. 

But. It would have been nice, maybe. It would have been nice, maybe, to have someone see that he wasn’t okay. That he hasn’t been okay in a while.

\---

That night, when Changkyun shuffled off to his room, mumbling a goodnight into Hyungwon’s hair, eyes fixed to his phone where Hyungwon saw a revolting number of hearts being exchanged between him and Kihyun, Hyungwon sighed and opened his email.

He had been avoiding it for a while, ever since Hyunwoo had pushed the piece of paper into Hyungwon’s hand, a soft look in his eyes, a silent plea. 

As Hyungwon had said, he and Hyunwoo had remained friends. But, out of necessity and a shared sense of understanding, they had also become aware of each other’s… issues so to speak. Hyungwon knew Hyunwoo didn’t like being in the dark, didn’t like driving at night. Hyunwoo knew about… Hyungwon. 

He’d pressed the piece of paper into Hyungwon’s hands, a quiet, “Email her,” falling from his lips, before changing the subject. 

Hyungwon pursed his lips, reaching into his bag to pull out the much abused, stained piece of paper, smoothing it out, the email address staring back at him with the words ‘Ms Lee’ scribbled in Hyunwoo’s sideways slant. 

Hyungwon had always thought you needed to call a therapist, all proper like, make an appointment and then show up in a stuffy little room. He had rebelled against the idea, his discomfort against calling someone on the phone helping his decision to never ever actually  _ do  _ something about his problem.

Hyungwon huffed, grabbing a cushion and pushing it up under his back, elevating him slightly. Fucking back pains. He knew he should take better care of himself, but like, what’s the fucking point, right?

Which was part of the problem, Hyunwoo had informed him.

Hyungwon knew he was  _ different _ , okay. He had always known, since he was old enough to realise he didn’t react to things the way people around him did. When people around him had cried, he’d acted sad, to fit in. When people laughed, he joined in, liking the sound, even though he rarely caught the joke. However, this had never bothered him, really, until…

Hyungwon swallowed, a painful lump rising in his throat. 

It had never bothered him, until high school. Until him. Until it was made very,  _ very _ clear to him that he wasn’t  _ normal _ . That he was weird. That he was… a  _ freak _ . 

That didn’t stop him from graduating top of his class and snatching modelling contract after modelling contract, but it, it did stop something else. Something Hyungwon hadn’t completely placed until he had his first sexual experience, until he saw the way Changkyun and Kihyun looked at each other. 

Hyungwon let out a shaky breath, forcibly relaxing his shoulders. 

Whatever response he got, he didn’t need to go. He was just, just doing this as a favour to Hyungwoo. He was humouring his friend, that was all. That was all. 

Hyungwon typed out a quick email, fingers practised after more than two years of writing emails to professors and lecturers, and he only realised he had held his breath when he pressed send and gasped. 

Well. That was done. He tried. Sort of. It was a step, okay, even if it was a teenie-tiny baby one. 

His phone lit up next to him and Hyungwon, suddenly exhausted, blinked at the flashing light on his phone, before closing his laptop and sliding his phone into his pocket. He’ll pay attention to people again tomorrow. Now, he needed to faceplant into his cushions and not be bothered for  _ at least _ six hours.

\---

**Hoseok**

Hi!

I’m just texting because

Well, I was watching this new show

And one of the guys there reminded me of you

I know, weird right

**Hoseok**

Sorry, that was really weird

I don’t really know why I texted that.

Anyway, goodnight, sleep tight.

**Hyungwon**

Um

Good morning

You’re very weird

What guy?

Did I remind you of, I mean

**Hoseok**

Morning!

Lol, sorry

I get weird when I’m sleep-deprived and watching shows when I’m supposed to be studying lol

It’s been a WEEK

But, yes.

The guy.

Um

All I can really remember is that like

He was very pretty

And funny

Like you

Um

Ha

**Hyungwon**

Oh

Thanks I guess heh

**Hoseok**

Minhyuk said he saw you at the ice rink?

I didn’t know you skate!

I love it, but I’m really, really bad at it

Think you can help me?

This Friday night, maybe?

They have a special on pizza for students each Friday night!

**Hyungwon**

That’s so cheesy

Well, anything for pizza I guess.

I’m bringing my roommate and his boyfriend

**Hoseok**

I love extra cheese

Yummy

Great!

See you there at seven then?

**Hyungwon**

Sure

\---

“Why the  _ fuck _ am I here,” Kihyun grumbled, frowning at his feet where, to the amusement of both Hyungwon and Changkyun, he was wearing the smallest size of skates the rink could rent. “It’s  _ cold _ , and my ass still hurts from the last time my brother convinced me to go skating.” He turned pleading eyes to Changkyun, pushing out his bottom lip. “Let’s go  _ home _ and watch movies and be  _ warm  _ and  _ comfortable _ .”

Hyungwon snorted, fastening the laces on his skates. He came often enough that he had his own skates, for which he was so,  _ extremely _ grateful because he still remembered the blisters and bruises his feet used to get. It was  _ horrible _ , and Changkyun refused to rub ointment onto his feet after the fifth time.

Changkyun cooed, patting Kihyun’s head. “Aw, it’s okay. We don’t have to stay long.”

Hyungwon went cold, and his hands froze on his skates. “Changkyun,” he gritted out, “you said you’d stay. You said you’d come with me. You  _ said _ .” 

Changkyun blinked at him, seeming taken aback by the wide-eyed expression on Hyungwon’s face. Hyungwon begged him silently to understand. When he had proposed all of them going to the skating rink, he had been very careful in the way he phrased it. Changkyun knew nothing about Hoseok. He didn’t know what had happened that night, and he didn’t know Hyungwon had his number and had seen him again. And Hyungwon didn’t want him to know.

But, when Hoseok had asked him, so cheesy, so hopefully, almost, to come out, to meet him, Hyungwon had found he couldn’t say no. For one second, he had only smiled, an irresistible fondness in his chest, and agreed. For a wonderful five minutes, he had been happy. Smiling and warm inside, thinking about this beautiful boy asking him to teach him how to skate. 

And then, of course, the inevitable panic and ‘what the fuck’ thoughts swirling and swirling, ending up in him practically begging Changkyun to convince Kihyun to come, where earlier it had just been a throwaway thought. 

Changkyun must see something of the panic in his eyes, must know him well enough to realise that Hyungwon  _ needed _ him there, because after a few seconds he nodded, and turned back to consoling Kihyun with sickeningly sweet words and actions. 

Hyungwon couldn’t help his grimace seeing them. However much he believed that Changkyun really loved Kihyun, and however much he believed that Kihyun was good for him, he still felt uncomfortable and twitchy when they so obviously liked each other. Hyungwon had convinced his high school crush he hated him just because he was scared the boy would find out he liked him. Such… fucking vulnerability made him want to crawl all the way out of his skin. 

“Hyungwon!” 

The call came from behind him, and Hyungwon turned to see Hoseok approaching them, Minhyuk behind him. Oh god, he was actually here.

“You came,” Hoseok smiled, coming to a stop a few paces from Hyungwon. “I, I kinda thought you would bail at the last second.”

“Such a high opinion you have of me.”

Hoseok blanched, and Hyungwon smirked internally. He really  _ was  _ too easy.

“No! No, I mean, I don’t-- I didn’t mean that--”

“He’s just teasing you, Hoseokkie,” Minhyuk drawled, pushing out from behind Hoseok and walking to… to fling his arm around Hyungwon neck? Hyungwon frowned at the boy hanging off of his neck. “Look at his eyes, he’s laughing,” Minhyuk insisted, pointing at Hyungwon’s bewildered face. If his eyes had been laughing before, they certainly weren’t now.

“Minhyuk?” Kihyun’s surprised voice came, and Hyungwon. He just. He sighed. Of fucking  _ course _ they knew each other. Why wouldn’t they? His life was a fucking joke. 

Minhyuk’s eyebrows climbed, settling in his fringe, as he all but strangled Hyungwon, turning around to face Kihyun. “Kihyunnie? What are  _ you _ doing here?”

“I… Hyungwon invited us,” he said, pointing at Changyun and himself. His eyes flashed between Hyungwon and Minhyuk. “I didn’t know you two knew each other.”

Minhyuk started to answer, but Hyungwon’s attention was drawn to Kihyun, whose eyes were narrowed, flicking between Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and the Hoseok in quick succession. There was a dawning sort of realisation in his eyes, and, and Hyungwon really didn’t know what it was, didn’t know if it had to do with him and Hoseok at all, didn’t even know how Minhyuk and Kihyun knew each other, if they knew each other well enough for that sort of information but-- 

But his blood was buzzing, and he was breathing too fast, and he had to get out and--

Hyungwon ducked out of Minhyuk’s arm, ignoring the boy’s startled gasp, and turned toward Hoseok, holding out his hand. “Wanna skate?”

And, Hoseok, that beautiful, radiant, innocent,  _ idiot _ boy took his hand, smiling so bright Hyungwon felt the need to blink. He took Hyungwon’s hand, and a heavy stone dropped in Hyungwon’s stomach, somehow falling deeper and hurting more than any of the others.

Because this boy had invited him out tonight because he thought Hyungwon was special, because he liked Hyungwon. Hyungwon wasn’t stupid, could see it in the way he pretended not to be following Hyungwon with his eyes, with the way he smiled, with the way he took Hyungwon’s hand so readily. 

  
And Hyungwon. Well, Hyungwon was much, much too broken to deserve even an ounce of that boy’s affection. And that  _ hurt _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is turning out more angsty than I thought it would OOPS
> 
> Twitter:  
> [booksandtea15](https://twitter.com/booksandtea15)

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: [booksandtea15](https://twitter.com/booksandtea15)  
> Tumblr: [booksandtea15](http://booksandtea15.tumblr.com/)


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